I think that the prayer partners, family members and support system people who surround those in full-time service must be very careful to consider what they say and what attitudes creep in toward these servants of God.  You must assume that the Wicked One will use every tool to his advantage, even well-meaning but misguided questioning, the lack of genuine celebration of the good things the Father does for his servants, and the lack of understanding all the ways of the Father.  Chances are good that the servant lacks understanding of the Fathers ways as well but are committed to follow on.   They need others who will support them in doing so.

As we are pressing into our calling to go to Portland, the fact that we cannot sell our house or pay for it, due to lack of income, has given rise to a new criticism of our actions and heart.  While the world will always be full of armchair quarterbacks, this criticism is coming from team members and prayer supporters.  What I really wish is that these people would pray for us to be able to swallow this bitter pill, we have lost every penny that we ever put into our house, as well as, our good credit standing.  Its hard enough already without having the knife twisted by well-meaning people.

Father, give us the grace to forgive, and to press on!  Give us people who will pray and seek your wisdom before they speak!  Give those critics the insight to know that they may not be doing well, and if they won’t receive that insight, Father, please give them laryngitis!

This morning the clouds are lifting, the wind is dying down, the Sun is poking its head through the grief.  For the first time I actually feel ……..rested!  I have come to grips with a few things and have embraced a few things. 

I am glad that my medical advocate responsibilities are over, that was just hard.  I am also relieved that the waiting for the other shoe to drop is over.  To the uninitiated, these words may sound harsh and uncaring but for those who have braved those waters, they are understood.  I am glad for my relationship with my Dad, it seems to be getting closer lately.  My siblings are really great, we did work well together, everyone having their big boy and girl pants on!  I pray for their restoration as well. 

When I was prepping to speak at Mom’s funeral, I was filled with turmoil and distress, wanting to do well, to honor her well, knowing that I was not up to the task.  When I sat there on the platform, behind her coffin, listening to the Grand kids sing her favorite Hymn, I told the Father,”I can’t do this!”  “Of course, You can’t!”, came the whispered reply to my heart, “That’s why My Spirit will through you!”  He did, much to my amazement!  Now that days have passed, I have come to realize that I was given a great privilege.  After two years of watching death win, I was the first to declare that Death did not win, that Mom’s life did matter here on earth and that because of Jesus, death is not the final word for those in Christ!  Death doesn’t win anything!  We win!  Awesome!  Awesome that I got to publicly run the sword though death. 

And what about Portland?  Even at the funeral meal, predictions for the time of our departure were offered.  Good friends and family affirmed that this must mean that the time of waiting are over, the tide has turned, off you go!  We are not assuming anything at this point.  We are looking to the Father, to His timing and for His re-affirmation of our call.  We are not going to just run forward, we need firm bearings for we are just now weathering this storm.  Please pray for clear vision and provision.  Last evening we had a showing for the house, they did not want it!  We are not assuming anything about that, just waiting in prayer.

We are half way through our time of retreat.  It has been good.  Our friends that understand what we are doing have been so supportive, thank you so much for the time!  Our church people have honored our request for time away so well, thank you for your consideration.  My leaders at the church are doing a great job at this time, thanks guys!

Thanks so much to the Father – He restores our soul!

That Friday just previous, I was looking at a very busy weekend.  On Saturday night we were to be at the wedding of my niece in Lansing, she is a State student who is involved deeply in student ministries there.  The wedding would be full of young college students and family, it promised to be a great evening of fun, music and dancing.  We were actually looking forward to being a part of that blessed event, as well as looking to the distraction it would provide.  Then Sunday would be upon us with a very dynamic Christmas message and service, followed with all of Daneene’s immediate family plus a couple of cousins over to our house for a after-wedding celebration and pre-Christmas get together.  I fully expected to be exhausted after that big of a weekend, so you might forgive my not wanting to make the drive 100 miles north to visit my mother who was dying of cancer. 

 I just knew that it might be the last time: however, so I made that run once more, up to my little town outside of Midland, MI, pulled into the parking lot of the Toni and Trish’s house in Auburn.  I stepped in to visit Mom.  It was painfully evident that she was failing, it was hard, it was gut wrenching and sad.  I love my Mom and can’t stand to see her this way.  My father and I sit there and sob together.  I go and visit funeral homes and gather information.  I return to say that I must leave soon, it’s getting late.  I stroke my fingers thru her hair, what’s left of it, and tell her how much I love her.  I drive home, weeping and  exhausted from grief.

The rest of the weekend went as planned but the sadness hangs around the edges like an evening fog that refuses to lift.  The wedding is fun, the Sunday service is dynamic, the family gathering is as it should be (it did last longer than expected).   We drop in bed exhausted.  Then that dreaded phone call!  My Dad is there on the other end, Mom is gone.   Incredible heaviness.

Monday is spent prepping the church for our absence, driving to Midland to meet with the funeral director and family.  Mom had asked me to preach her funeral service, an honor I would have rather declined but how do you tell your dying mother that you will not do her service?  So I agreed!  Now I must plan it.  Our whole family is sad with grief and anger over the loss, but we all work well together.  Tuesday is spent holed up at my office trying desperately to find the words, to no avail.  I finally give up and head to the gym.  As I work out, with an intensity I seldom have, the message comes, so do the tears.  I feel like a fool until a big muscle-bound guy comes over with tears in his eyes and says that he just lost  his mom not long ago and that it’s OK.  That struck me as funny, so I laugh and so does he.  I am still exhausted, sad and nervous about Thursday.

Wednesday’s viewing and Thursday’s Funeral are a strange mixture of blur and intense slow motion.  So good to see long-lost family and friends, so hard to deal with why we are all together again.  People come and demonstrate their love, it’s just so many, so fast.  Then the funeral!  The songs sung are right, the grand kids sing her favorite hymn so well, the memories shared are warm and kind.  The words come out of my mouth like they are supposed to, honoring the woman who gave me life and praising the Savior who gave me breath, new life and hope for a better resurrection.  More family, some food and then the committal.  That was tough, not fooling.  We finally lay her to rest.  I get why we say that now.  No one wants to leave just yet, we all go to supper and hang on to each other for a little more time.  I give my dad a hug, he actually seems to be coming to grips, but we both know that will take more time.

Then Christmas!  We went to a movie Christmas Eve to find relief from our grief only to cry thru it.  Christmas day is an amazing mixture of gladness that Jesus came to deal the death-blow to death itself, death is no longer the final word over our lives and sadness that we still suffer loss.

So I sit here, pondering it all.  At first I was numb and glad that her suffering was over.  Then just exhausted.  Then just sad.  Then we started dealing with the truth that she will no longer be with us.  Tears come at the weirdest times, with no warning or seeming reason.  We close in and celebrate Christmas alone, as a family.  We sleep in.  Slowly, the exhaustion is lifting, the fog of sadness is broken thru every so often with a thought of grace.  We are starting to feel like we are not so exhausted.  Words of joy are slowly showing back up in our vocabulary.  I want to exercise again.  The snow feels good on my face as I walk the dog.  Daneene is more precious to me at this moment, as are the kids. 

Mom is gone.  The struggle with cancer is over, my job as health advocate complete.  What that means in terms of moving forward is still being discovered.  What this does to our timing and plans for Portland is a question for another day.  Tomorrow, we may actually feel rested enough to ask that question!

Bam!  At that moment, I identified totally.   I laughed out loud, He nailed exactly how I have been feeling.  “Is it too much to ask for a little movement? ……… a little support? …….a little something? 

That’s the trouble with waiting, the longer you wait the more questions start to pop up, the longer (and deeper) you invest, the more you expect to see a return on that investment, at least an indication that you are going down the right path.  Waiting is hard on those who are convinced for what they are waiting on, it’s even worse for those who are along for the ride.  Waiting on the Lord is costly for both those who are following and those around them.  And the further you go without clear indication your on the right path,  the more lost you feel. 

How long, O Lord!  How about a little precipitation!

My 82-year-old mother was found with a very aggressive form of cancer a couple of years ago, the cancer treatments were proceeding well, until this past May, when she began to turn for the worse.  By the end of summer, she was found with a tumor in her neck, by mid October a seizure tipped us off to cancer in her brain.  For reasons that are not explainable here, I have been the one child that was given the task of health advocate, along with Dad, to go to all Mom’s appointments, taking in information and helping them decide what to do.  So it fell to me to finally push Dad to seek Hospice help, to see to it that Mom got that kind of care.  Mom and Dad live an hour and a half away.  Lots of windshield time for me this summer and fall.   Sad Drama.

Our house has been on the market all this time, and we have had showings (along with all the last-minute clean ups),  but no offers!  However, during this same time, the income revenue to our church has tailed off, each month a little less, until October, when it just dropped thru the floor.  Our family’s income has become so sporadic and anemic over the past six months that we are not able to pay the mortgage consistently any longer – a short sale or foreclosure seems inevitable now.  So we are receiving daily calls from our mortgage holder, fielding their threats and questions, not to mention the calls of well-meaning friends that do not understand why we won’t just do the right thing, as if we could, as if  they know what the right thing is for us!   That is drama!

The last week of September, our faithful 12-year-old Taurus burned up on the freeway, leaving us short of a vehicle for Elyse to drive to college.  One week later my truck sold, leaving me car-less.  The Father supplied the finances for two replacement vehicles( to the penny) that get much better gas mileage, yet the weeks of searching and dealing was dramatic in itself.  Yesterday, I discovered that the dealer I bought my car from has not done any of the paper work to transfer the title or registration to me, 35 days later.  when I called on it, he lied to me about it all.  More Drama!!!!

Then we could talk about the church, and my denominational relationships, both filled with more drama of late than in any time since we moved here to start this church or plant with this denomination.  I have been amazed at some of the things that have happened, but since I do not want to stir up more drama, I will not go into it here. 

I have been asked to step into the drama that is currently playing out in our local school district, to join the Tea Party, to …..etc.    Too much Drama!

My stomach hurts every day!  It does.

A friend of mine that has seen it all since May, and lived with me through it all, asked me this week, ” how do you handle all of this, the sucker punches just keep coming?”  He then proceeded to suggest that we should reconsider our determination to pursue the call of the Father to Portland.   I respond with a lesson that I learned back in Jr High Football.  It’s when you are carrying the ball, and making yards toward the score that you get opposed, not when you are standing on the sidelines.  No one opposes you there!  I am learning to consider it all joy when these things happen because we are moving toward God’s plan for us, we are making headway for the Kingdom, we are overcoming by His power.  I’m not overly good at that yet, but the Spirit comes with His peace that is beyond understanding and helps us see the joy that is before us, helps us keep going toward the goal.  All this drama, way too much of it for my liking, is simply the sad attempt to encourage us to step out of the game for a breather, to sit down for a while, to stop pressing, to give up -  “we are not ignorant of his devices….”.

I will ask my family in Christ for one favor in all of this, a favor that we should be giving to each other all the time anyway.  Instead of creating more drama in the way we are to each other or just remaining silent, would you be so kind as to come along side us and block the opposition for us in prayer, speak encouragement to us to press on, and endure with us when we get short of grace ourselves.  That kind of teamwork would be a dramatic overpowering of the drama.

Throughout my life of devotion to Jesus, I have often made the assertion that I would be willing to be broken and spilled out in worship of Jesus, that nothing would be worth more to me than my Lord.  I have even prided my self that I would do this, if called upon.  That notion would make me feel real good about my devotion to our Lord.  However, true Christianity is not about how we feel, now is it?  It’s so very much about reality and when reality sets in, then life and commitment looks very different.  Like a good pastor friend often reminds me, “People are very generous with money and things that they don’t have, like in the statement we pastors often hear -’When I win the lotto, you know I’ll remember the church’ – but it’s a very different story with the money they do have!” 

We are moving to Portland, in His time, to do the work that the Father has prepared for us to do.  In order to move, we need to sell our house.  No problem, we said, if God is in this move then we will sell it in the proper time, The Father will see to it.  We have waited and waited!  Problem is, the house cannot sell.  Over the time of our sale it has become financially underwater, we watched as it sunk beneath the waves of foreclosures and short sales that has flooded the market here in the Midwest.   All of our good christian friends have counselled us to wait upon the Lord, He is able, watch your testimony and on and on it goes.  But, the house is still not sold.

Over this past couple of months, as I have prayed into this, a new, gut wrenching, thought has made its way into the center of my soul.  Am I willing to break the alabaster box containing the costly ointment of my good name, my excellent credit rating, not to mention my years of equity and allow it to be poured out on the head of Jesus, much against the convention of believers around me.  Am I willing to purposefully allow all that is my reputation to go out as a sweet but totally misunderstood offering of obedience and devotion to the One by letting my house go back to its true owners.  Am I so willing to worship and adore that I would waste a life of building up a good name, purposely breaking it and spilling it out as a sacrifice of service to the One who was broken and spilled out for me.  It seemed so much easier to conceive of when it was just an ointment!   Lord, this is my credit score!!!  

I am beginning to understand what Mary did that day, in a far more rich and painful way, than I have ever understood before.  And Yes, He is indeed worth it!

I returned with correct form in hand and get escorted to the front of the line to get my simple renewal, and just as the button is pushed to print out my sticker, the entire east coast electrical grid crashed, no joke.   No renewal today.  Problem was, it had to be that day.  So my civil servant hand writes an explanation, stamps it with an official seal and says to me, “this should be good enough if ya get pulled over, be back as soon as the power comes back on.” 

Four days and one hilarious pull over later, I’m back at the Sec. of States Office, this time it’s a piece of cake, 5 min. in and out. Simple!  Not!  This is why I hate waiting, you never know how long it’s gonna be or what you’re going to be asked to do while you wait.  The time frame of everything becomes sketchy,  there is a real sense that you are no longer even close to be able to control how this is going to go.

Well this is what has happened to our plans for a Summer (or possible early Fall) relocation to Portland, we have been called to wait.  Since last I wrote, the easy and quick plan for departure that was developing simply did not happen, the house did not rent as was planned, the transition fell thru, the support did not come in.  We are now waiting on the Lord.  At first, I would say that we are probably going to have to wait for the house to sell, or wait for the church to call a new pastor, or wait for support to come in, but I have come to one awesome conclusion, I am waiting for the Lord.  In His timing and ways, all of those things will be accomplished.

The reason that I have not written during this time is that I simply couldn’t, I had nothing good to say, lots that I could have said!, but nothing good.  We tried to plead, we tried to bargain, we even took a vacation away from all this to check out if we are really supposed to do this, but, in the end, we have embraced that we have been called to “wait until we receive power!” (Jesus’s invitation to the disciples the day He ascended).

The good news is this, as I have consulted with my coach and others that walk with God, I have come to the understanding that this period of waiting is a good thing, that we have avoided disaster by being patient and that it will all happen, with a better foundation for longevity as a result of waiting.  I have found that the promise is true – “that those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength!, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, the shall run and not get weary, they shall walk and not faint!”  More on that next time!

The best part of this experience to me is right after all the click, click, clack of the climb up the first big hill, you know, when the train has finally crested the summit and is easing over the edge to the first plunge into stomach in your throat time!  That few seconds of transition makes it all worth while, to me.

The experience of relocating to Portland to pursue the ministry that the Father has called us to has been a real roller-coaster.  For the month of May, after we announced to our church what we are up to, we thought it would be take off time.  It was alright but not as we expected, we went around the corner then sat on the side of a hill, seemingly not moving but hearing that tell tale click, click, clank of the climb.  Lat weekend, after over a month of no activity, suddenly lots of activity, new supporter, answers to prayer on a candidate for our church, someone is going to look at our house afet three months of nothing, a buyer for my truck that is willing to wait until I no longer need it, our prayer team growing exponentially.  We seemed to crest the top and “weeeeeeeeeee” off we went, here we go, look out Portland, here we come!  Yipee!

NOT QUITE YET!  Tuesday, we hear that we will not be getting an offer, our daughter Elyse finds out the college in Portland has dropped her program, a faithful supporter of ours in now unemployed and cannot help us at this time, our Realtor counsels us to drop our price so low that we will have simply rented our place for the past 7 years should it sell for that.  And just like that, we hear the click, click, clack again!   What a roller coaster ride!!!

EXACTLY right!  I sit here in no fear because the Designer has made it this way so that there will be the exhileration of multiple sensory and faith overloads all the while being perfectly safe, perfectly on time, perfectly under control.  What a ride!  I would not miss it for the world!

Ride on!  I say!  Ride ON!

For our friends who have not been “brought up to speed” this may come as a surprise; however, for those who have been aware of what the Father has been doing in our thoughts and activity, this move makes absolute sense.  We have had a growing sense in our spirits that God is moving into us a new thing that actually is not new at all.  Our thoughts about how God has gifted us to be catalytic starters have matured and I (Stephen) have come to embrace the fact that I am more apostolic (missionary) than pastoral in my approach to ministry, desiring to move into that type of ministry role. 

The central question that we have been asking is this – “What if, rather than starting new churches in order to make disciples, which is the current thought and practice in most new churches, we started by interacting with and gathering unconvinced people to make them into committed followers of Jesus, forming them into groups of Christ-followers by the work of the Spirit.   Will these people form into churches of the Spirit’s creation, intent on continuing to multiply discipleship?  In other words, what if we flipped current thought and activity around, focusing on fulfilling Jesus command to us, (make disciples!) all the while trusting the Spirit to form the church as Jesus said (I will build my church!)!   Would those churches sustain, grow and multiply without having to be propped up with program, property and a professional staff!  We think it will; in fact, we think that may be a lot closer to God’s plan and we want to try it!  If we were to re-locate in a metropolitan area that had unlimited potential for multiplication and recruitment of other ministry partners, only the Lord could know what could be accomplished in building the Kingdom by obedience to the actual  Mission of the church, which is the Great Commission.

Our first thought was to stay right where we are and work out the vision here but the limitation is that I spend about 85% of the 60 + hours a week that I give to ministry prepping for Sunday, administrating or working with the already convinced and Daneene offers most of her time in service to the believing church as well.  I’m not knocking this for those who are called to shepherd the flock of God and are gifted in that way, this part of ministry is no longer our place of gifting and so this situation has become frustrating for us because it is our desire to give our time wholeheartedly to pursue making disciples from the unconvinced.

 We sought out other part time jobs so that we could pass our responsibility on to other men, who could minister together with us without over burdening the church with salaries and such.  However, after several great interviews, we were passed over time and again.  Not even our kids can get a job around here, so it seems that the door is closing on support for this type of ministry for us here.

So we have also been exploring other open doors, in differing places, for us to work together with partners who will encourage us to pursue this new vision and passion.  Through a series of movements that only God could orchestrate (with too many turns to outline here) we were introduced to Bruce Martin, the Superintendent of the Pacific Northwest District of the EFCA (also their Church Planting director).    After a couple of years of sharing our hearts with each other, Bruce invited us to come to Portland, OR. last November to survey what God might be doing there in our lives.  We visited, prayed and planned together for a week, but it was instantly clear the first day that The Father was moving in our lives to relocate there and pursue this ministry vision.

We told the Elders of our church here back in March of 2010 with the request that they would pray with us to confirm God’s calling on our lives.  They did pray and have confirmed that this is indeed what God has for us.  We then spent a little more time as a family away to seek God’s face about this so that we would be sure to confirm this before we took the step of announcing this to our church.  That seemed to us to be the point of no return.  God’s confirmations have been abundant so on May 2 we informed our congregation.  The Elders here have asked if we could pray that God will supply our next pastor while we are still here so that there will be a smooth transition, and we are willing to wait upon the Lord for that if the church will do their work of calling a pastor in a diligent manner.   Our planned departure date for Portland is August 1^st, so that we can get settled in before school starts, yet we are also waiting on the Lord for His timing and His provision.

Once we arrive, our plan is to find part-time jobs, schools for the kids and interact with life and people in such a way that we can build relationships, helping people find and become like Jesus as individuals and gathered together in community.   We also plan to connect with the local Bible College and Seminary locations to recruit team members to multiply what God is doing with us.  We believe that if God has called us to this place and this ministry then He is already going before us to make a way for us to accomplish it.

There are a number of things that need to happen for us to move. I have listed the main items for your consideration and as prayer requests.

• Build our current support team and raise 35+% of our total support needs
• Build our prayer team to 30+ people
• Find a pastor here at The Faith Journey Church, and make the transition
• Sell or rent our house (preferably sell) for more than we owe.
• Sell our truck and car, other things that we no longer feel we need
• Make moving arrangements
• Find and recruit team members out in Oregon
• Find a place to live in Portland
• Find part-time jobs in Portland
• Make and build contacts  

Our support will consist of three parts, support from the EFCA Northwest District, personal support that we will need to raise and part time work (to offset further needs to raise support and to lend credibility to our existence in town).   I currently am working part-time(extremely part time) for a Internet Design Company with the hope that that job would move with me, and that is still a possibility but work would have to come in at a much higher pace than it has up till now.  This being said we covet your prayer that this job could expand.  In any case, we will need to raise about $2500 per month minimum to get started, as well as funds for Health Insurance unless one of the jobs we get has coverage.

As you can see, this is a significant step of faith on our part, at least it seems that way to us.  We need a team of people who will commit to pray for us, some even to join our prayer team and get the weekly updates on our prayer team website.  We need people who will be willing to financially support this type of ministry for the long haul (as well as some short term supporters) and we need The Father to come thru with His powerful hand of deliverance. Without Him we are not going to be able to do this.

I think that the last sentence I wrote is what makes this so exciting and engaging to us, the fact that The Father has called us to step out into a life that depends on His power to come thru for us.  We are not playing it safe any longer, as though real ministry has ever been safe!  For those of you who are reading this and thinking to yourselves that we have become completely unreasonable in our thinking, I beg of you to reconsider the most basic fact of Christianity, that it is lived by faith and when God’s children walk by faith; this is the most reasonable thing a child of God can do.